Some men refuse to let their partner touch their phone, check their messages or social networks out of a desire for privacy or to hide certain conversations. Whether this is done without the boyfriend’s knowledge or with his permission, this type of behaviour can be symptomatic of a couple’s malaise.
Jealousy or mistrust in a relationship can become an addiction. After a betrayal or at the beginning of the relationship, one of the partners may ask to look at the other’s phone or to follow a conversation on messaging systems on any type of device and be refused.
Why can some people snoop on phones?
While some people may use technology for perfectly legitimate reasons, others take advantage of this access to monitor each other’s instant messaging, or even to locate or bug them. In this case, there are several motives behind these initiatives. One of them is to track down an unfaithful boyfriend or husband or because of a lack of trust in one’s partner. Today, there are many devices that can help monitor exchanges and “reassure” oneself about the risk of cheating. A jealous partner may even tap the phone of someone she suspects or learn about the best tracking or monitoring software. A possessive girlfriend may monitor her partner’s smartphone usage to reassure herself that he is faithful.
Is this habit good for married life?
In the face of overwhelming demand, there are many tools available to monitor someone on the phone, eavesdrop on conversations or spy on a computer. For the latter purpose, a keylogger can help retrieve passwords and intercept exchanges in instant messaging or e-mail boxes. Sometimes this can be compulsive for the woman who is jealous or suspicious of her partner, rightly or wrongly.
To do this, she can monitor the application of her choice with spyware. This temptation can become a real spiral and lead to a bad relationship dynamic. And for good reason, using a spy device to locate a mobile phone, for example, shows a deep lack of trust in the partner and in oneself. It also means that there is an underlying lack of communication or dialogue that may manifest a potential grudge for past infidelity. If these spying practices are the result of a lack of self-esteem, talking to a specialist such as a psychologist or coach can help you to reduce your limiting thoughts.
A couple’s therapist can provide individual or marital counselling to help you regain control of your love life. These spying activities only damage the relationship and eventually lead to its demise.
Is it normal for a man not to let his wife touch his phone?
If she prefers to take a direct approach, a woman may find that her partner refuses to let her touch his mobile device. However, this does not necessarily mean that there is something wrong with him, and this applies equally to women with husbands who make the same request. In some cases, the person may want to preserve his privacy and his secret garden, without this being a threat to the couple. The man may also want to plan a surprise for his wife without her knowing what he has planned, or he may be bound by professional secrecy if his job requires him to withhold sensitive information. If this desire to hide his phone at all costs gives rise to suspicions, it may also fuel some doubts about potential infidelity. But again, honest and transparent communication is far more likely to appease a jealous partner.
What are the risks of overhearing a conversation or reading your partner’s messages?
Spying on Facebook, monitoring a mobile phone or listening in on a conversation without your partner’s knowledge is not without consequences. Getting into the habit of monitoring and checking interactions can even put a couple at risk. This argument may arise when your partner becomes aware of a device used to monitor their smartphone or catches you sneaking a peek at one of their devices. This sends a clear message that you are unknowingly trying to violate their privacy or being suspicious of them when they thought you trusted them.
This lack of transparency in the relationship can even without evidence of infidelity be a reason for breaking up. Sometimes a watcher can amplify a harmless conversation and break up on her own because she feels she has been betrayed. For a jealous woman, a simple interaction may be the beginning of a deception and she may sabotage a beautiful love story because of a mistaken suspicion.
As you can see, having monitored your partner does not bode well for the future, especially as these habits are not legal. In order to monitor a partner’s Internet activities, other women may look at the browsing history, which may contain clues to potential infidelity.
Some may leave their mobile phone to be surprised
Mobile spying can be authorised by the partner. In an interview with Le Figaro, therapist Dr Robert Neuburger explains that this may be a missed opportunity for the unfaithful partner. “It is not uncommon to see people get involved in an extramarital relationship and not know how to get out of it, once they are tired of it.
They leave evidence lying around out of negligence, their spouse finds it, provokes a conflict that serves as an excuse to break up with their lover,” analyses the expert. This game of unconsciousness is a trap that punishes mobile spying, which ends up being stopped after the discovery of flagrantly convincing evidence. Spying on a phone can also be the behaviour of an unfaithful person who wants to get rid of the guilt of having had an extramarital relationship by waiting for the fault of his partner.
This person can monitor and control the incoming and outgoing messages of his or her partner or use software to listen to calls. “As it happens, the person who spies is never completely white. Deep down, he hopes to see that the other person has done the same, so that’s a point all round”, says Violaine-Patricia Galbert, a family specialist who analyses the behaviour of people who feel the need to monitor their loved one.
Some may leave their mobile phone to be surprised
“If the first one senses that something is wrong, the other one has probably already broken the trust.
While the unhealthy habit of spying on a phone is symptomatic of unease in a relationship, it can be legitimised in some cases.
This is what Dr Neuburger explains, inviting us to put into perspective the prohibited nature of this practice. Whether it is surveillance software, hacking into an account or monitoring messages when the partner’s back is turned, these habits can also be a marker of deep malaise in the relationship. “It’s better to go and look into each other’s business than to remain in agonising doubt.
If you question your partner directly, he or she will lie,” says the specialist. He adds that this is often the case when the partner feels that a situation is strange, which will push him to check it out for himself.
Reacting when your partner cheats is difficult after mobile monitoring
Monitoring your partner’s social networking and messaging accounts can provide tangible evidence of infidelity. However, there is a downside to this channel of discovery, as it is difficult to admit to using this illegal means to confirm what you suspect. And for good reason, this is a lack of respect for the privacy of one’s spouse that is just as reprehensible as infidelity, since it shows a lack of loyalty in a relationship.
Using GPS tracking, phone tapping, mobile phone snooping or monitoring the content of your partner’s messages can cause a great deal of guilt. Assuming that you will eventually discover infidelity without making the effort saves you a lot of energy. Monitoring movements or phone calls takes up a lot of time that could be spent talking about your feelings of mistrust towards your partner.
If your partner is tempted to look the other way, he or she can also make an effort to be undetectable. For this reason, it is not healthy to fall into a dependency on control that will end up alienating you more than him.
There is no need to look for ways to spy on your spouse if he or she is already inclined to have extramarital affairs discreetly because he or she is aware of the possibility of monitoring his or her actions. This hacking can help the initiator to monitor and keep track of conversations that may suggest an attraction to another woman.
Monitoring information on your phone can spoil your relationship
While it may be tempting for a jealous or possessive partner to read text messages, listen in on conversations or sneak a peek at notifications, doing all these things can spoil a good time. And for good reason, your partner can sometimes be suspicious if he or she is trying to prepare a nice surprise for you. So holding on to their passwords would be the best way to spoil a beautiful moment they’ve spent time preparing. Finding out that you are being spied on or that your emails have been hacked can be worse than adultery because this dishonest behaviour can be long term. Monitoring others shows that you have low self-esteem because it suggests that they would be right to abandon you. Installing spyware programs says a lot about you because it shows that you have no respect for the other person’s privacy and this is even worse when it is the person you have decided to share your life with. To counteract this risk, anyone who suspects they are being monitored can install antispyware to prevent spying on Messenger or a Google account. Disabling the geolocation option on one’s phone can also prevent mobile phone monitoring.
When spying causes bad discoveries
When a jealous partner spies on her partner, it is possible that she discovers information that is intimate. This is the case for fantasies that may show up in the research and may not adhere to reality. A conversation with a friend may reveal that he or she was annoyed by one of your behaviours momentarily. It is these kinds of discoveries that can create an unhealthy atmosphere in the relationship where the spying wife is constantly harbouring grievances against her partner. By empathising, she will realise that she would not like her partner to know intimate secrets or things that she wants to keep to herself.
A pernicious trap
Often, the decision to use these technological tools comes from signals that can be magnified. It may start with a ‘like’ on Facebook or a comment from a friend who one may find attractive. It is the lack of dialogue about what is going on with us that can lead to the action of violating our partner’s privacy when simple explanations might have been reassuring. This little peek feeds an addiction that moves from checking to total surveillance. This can range from instant messaging to bank accounts to installing a webcam in a room they frequent. Assume that if your partner wants to hide things from you, he will be more inventive in hiding them. He can delete his data, his conversations or use extramarital dating applications that guarantee absolute discretion.
How to deal with an intrusive partner?
Both men and women can be so possessive that they may use deceptive means to keep tabs on their partners. However, this behaviour shows a clear lack of respect for the other person. Interviewed by our colleagues in Psychologies, Jean-Michel Hirt, a psychoanalyst, advises those who are dispossessed of their intimacy to dare to set the limits of what is acceptable in a couple. “At the first slip, it is beneficial to make a strong statement […]. It is a matter of setting limits and inviting the other person to take them into account. If he or she is in denial or seeking to dominate, each person will draw their own conclusions with full knowledge of the facts”, says the expert.
“A link between the present situation and a situation already experienced in the past
When we cut short a lack of respect in a couple, it gives a strong signal to the partner that we will not let it go any further and that we have the power in ourselves to refuse. This demonstration that you are not afraid of conflict allows the other person not to abuse your love. “When you don’t dare to react, it can be very helpful to look for a link between the present situation and a situation you have experienced in the past with your parents,” says Maryse Vaillant, a clinical psychologist. The expert adds that being used to neglect or abuse during childhood can condition one to evolve in toxic relationships. The mental health specialist explains that in order to break this vicious circle, it is necessary in most cases to reach “an excess of suffering”.
Why are we jealous?
For Alain Krotenberg, a psychiatrist specialising in cognitive and behavioural therapy (CBT), jealousy is a manifestation of paranoia. According to the specialist, a paranoid person is certain that he or she is never wrong and that his or her partner wants to cheat. When the jealous person feels that this suffering is unbearable, he or she is ready to take the necessary steps to overcome this defect, for example by seeking help from a therapist. The expert explains that in order to do this, he invites his patients to regularly note the frequency and intensity of their pain during and after jealousy attacks. In order to make the jealous and possessive person realise the harm he or she can do to his or her partner, the therapist also suggests role-playing games in order to become aware of his or her impulses and behaviour. In order to have a stable love life, it is important to ensure that it includes these 5 pillars.
Jealousy can destroy the other person
While jealousy or possessiveness is in itself a deleterious flaw in a relationship, it can extend to the point of draining the other person of their essence. This is explained by Violaine-Patricia Galbert, a couple therapist, who shows just how damaging this attitude can be to a spouse. “And even when the victim of the jealous person ends up not seeing anyone, the other person can become jealous of his or her own thoughts and say to him or herself: “She doesn’t seem happy with me, she must be thinking of someone else! “she explains. In psychoanalysis, this tendency is often linked to the relationship with the mother, where the child is unable to share the latter’s attention and love. These unconscious childhood traumas can condition the behaviours we adopt during our adult life. These affect the quality of our relationships and the way we love.